On Values: An Invisible, but Palpable Line

12/2/2013

“Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour ... If at my convenience I might break them, what would be their worth?”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

The thing about core values is that once you establish them, they will be tested. Constantly and at varying degrees of intensity. You must continually nurture, finesse, and engage them. In doing so, you will either re-avow your allegiance or release them. Quite frankly, it seems that the more you honor and live by them ... the more you firmly hold on to them, the greater the test will be. As great as holding on for dear life to a twig in the midst of a tempest. You dare not let go, for you must protect yourself and the twig. You're in it together. Such a moment happened to me last night:

It was just past midnight. I was lying down in bed. My upstairs neighbor was either watching porn or playing videos games. There were odd and random sounds and bad music playing. Really, it could have been either.

Despite efforts to the contrary, I was wide awake. I turned to my side and placed a pillow over my head. This strategy has never worked to drown out sound, but the effort--its dramatic release of frustration--seems worthy of repetition. I saw a blue light flashing on my phone indicating a message. I'm waiting to hear back about several exciting job opportunities, so every message is read with eagerness and enthusiasm.

I read the email and was struck. I was being asked to consider something that put my personal, professional and artistic integrity on high alert. My heart started racing and leapt into my throat. It was difficult to breathe. My vision blurred and I was thrown into a fit of tears recounting the number of times I'd been asked to whitewash a situation and put conversations about racial equity, cultural awareness, and gender parity aside for the betterment and ease of the room.

But then I remembered the line that I drew some years ago ... an invisible, but palpable line that stood between who I am (the essence and truth of my honor and dignity, and how I choose to live in the world) and what I am willing to walk away from no matter what the cost. By meditating on that line, I contemplated what it would mean to cross it and the silence I would have to bear if I agreed with the conditions set forth in this email.

Make no mistake, the cost of walking away from this situation would be great and public, but I would have to walk away. I would neither be able to stand the hypocrisy nor stomach the lies. What's more, I wouldn't be able to advocate for women playwrights and theatre artists of color or continue the work that I'm doing around Diversity and Inclusion in the American Theatre with any credibility.

That line, which temptation, greed, convenience and power, oft tempt to erase brought me comfort, hope, empowerment and sanity. I renewed my allegiance and slept a good, uninterrupted sleep. As for the rest, we'll see what unfolds.

1 Comment

Emily link

12/3/2013 06:28:09 am

This sort of thing is so important and you're showing me how important it is to make these choices public. Sometimes when things like status or money or power are on the line it can feel like no one really understands why you turned them down, or pushed them aside or whatever the thing is.
I've found that when I give people the opportunity to see inside the process, as you have done here, that there's at least some moral, emotional back-up for the moments when you're wondering if maybe your morals/values/etc really aren't worth the sandwich you don't get to eat because of them. I'm saying you, but I really mean me. I made a call like this earlier this year and I'm wrestling with the practical consequences. I notice that I get through those moments by thinking of all the people who shouted, "Good Call!" when I talked about it.
And reading this lovely account of that process makes me see my own experience from the outside, by looking at yours. And it's very clear from this angle that you made an Excellent Call and that there will be an army of support around you making it, even when you don't feel it.
And the more of us that support each other in not crossing that invisible palpable line, the more change we create. Bit by bit. Even if we don't get to eat the sandwich. Though I hope you get to have a sandwich anyway (even if it's not from where you thought it might come from.) Sandwiches for everybody!

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